Theatre gone wrong

Tonight I saw the most mind-numbingly boring, pointless, poorly directed play I have ever seen and the second show I've ever walked out of at intermission.  Most of the blocking was two characters standing in a flat line talking with nothing happening physically except the actors occasionally turning out to mug at the audience like Mr. Roper on Three's Company (except not meant to be a specific gag like Mr Roper's bit, which I also hated, but at least it had a reason behind it).  That actually seemed like fitting blocking, though, since nothing happened in the dialogue either.  Nothing.  At one point an actor has the unfortunate task of turning out to the audience as her character asks, "Why are you all here?" during a scene that was particularly painful in its boredom.  What ran through my brain was "because I can't walk out until intermission!!!!" 

I don't envy her that line.  That's just cruel to give an actor that line in such a dull play.

A return question that popped into my head was "What did you all DO during rehearsal??"  Or more specifically, what did the DIRECTOR do?  I have the distinct feeling that for at least several long scenes, he said, "Hey, you stand here, and you stand here, and neither of you move, and say all your lines in the scene... Okay yeah, so I think we're ready to open."

I have to admit I was primed to be dubious of the direction by the pre-show music, which is usually used before a show to set a thematic tone, indicate the temporal setting, or just set a general vibe.  This pre-show playlist was the most random selection of songs I have heard used as pre-show.  I thought perhaps its relation to the play would become apparent once the play started.

It didn't.

Also, if you don't know how to end a scene, act, or play, and you're thinking, "Hmm, my actors are onstage and I want them to be offstage," the answer is not to randomly have the characters dance off stage in a bizarre moment that makes the audience wonder, "Is this in character?  Is this the actors as themselves?  Why are they dancing off stage?  Can they not do a blackout or fadeout?  Did the actors just get trapped onstage due to a stage manager mistake?  Is this really happening?  Did I fall asleep from boredom and I had the bad fortune to dream an even worse version of the play I'm at?  Will I ever wake up and be able to go home???"

Before the play, I was talking with someone about how we couldn't figure out from what we had read if this was a comedy or a drama.  I think now the reason for that is because it's neither.  The only real laugh came from a coincidentally topical joke that was neither written nor directed for a laugh and wouldn't have gotten one before last week, and no show this boring and unfunny can be considered a comedy.  However, the characters are all archetypes rather than real characters and they don't seem to feel or think like humans or make the audience care about them or what happens to them (DOES anything happen to them?  Do they make anything happen?  Doesn't seem like it to me), and since there IS no drama, I couldn't call it a drama either.

I recently witnessed an unfortunate audition where an actor had failed to prepare a monologue and in its stead just talked for a few minutes.  It was repetitive, lacked an arc, lacked conflict, and lacked a story.  Just like this play -- this professional, Off-Broadway play by a major playwright.

I don't get it.

But then, I also didn't get the art I passed on the way home with two fried eggs on a woman's boobs, so maybe it's me.

Like a normal girl

Today Facebook reminded me of the post below from several years ago.  And since it appears I never posted this on my blog, I'm going to do so now:

A mom, sharply, to her daughter, who was skipping, galloping, and chasséing down a store aisle: "Just walk like a normal girl!!"

A heartfelt thank you to my parents for never telling me to do anything like a normal girl. I remember many a dance down a grocery store aisle, and not one was ever reprimanded.

Also today, my parents e-mailed me some photos from when I was a toddler, and as I looked at them, I was reminded of how when I was very little, I'd frequently start the day in a shirt, skirt, and tights, and by the end of the day, photos and home videos would show that my skirt had been shed somewhere along the way and I was happily clothed in just a shirt and my baggy white tights.  The skirt had no doubt gotten in the way somewhere along my day of running and dancing and somersaulting and adventuring, and so off it went (hopefully not in a grocery store aisle, but who knows).  It was a great look, really.  I'm not sure why it never caught on in the fashion world.

I'm sure many little girls do this, but as I sat looking at the photos, wearing leggings and a Disney T-shirt, I realized I haven't changed much since then.  I just substituted leggings for the tights and dispensed with the skirt all together.  And as I type this, one leg is hanging over the armrest of the couch, as has been usual since I was little.  Thankfully, my parents never told me I had to be normal.  I can't do "normal."  I don't get "normal."

Perhaps that's why my cat is such a weirdo.  He thinks he's a dog and barks and growls and chases balls and jumps for them, and when he wants you to play with him he'll hug your arm tightly with both of his front legs and lightly bite your shoulder.  He's definitely not normal.  I tell him that frequently, but I mean it as a compliment.  I'll never tell him to be normal.  We're perfect for each other.

And though I look up and down a grocery store aisle before I do it now, I'll never stop dancing down grocery store aisles either.

I'm not going to hang my hat on the wisdom of this quote

There's a poster in the offices of the SAG-AFTRA Foundation with a picture of Matthew McConaughey giving a talk.  Similar posters of other stars adorn the walls, but unlike most of them, McConaughey's has a quote on the poster -- indicating, presumably, that he said something of great worth that bears repeating to all who walk through the building's walls.... The quote is "I'm looking for things to hang my hat on humanity."

I'm baffled.  The great meaning of this sentence eludes me.  In fact, the very basic grammatical meaning of this sentence eludes me.  What is being hung on what here?  What happens to the things he's looking for?  Do they get a hat hung on them?  Do they get hung on humanity themselves?  It seems there are three things here: the things he's looking for, his hat, and humanity.  And I don't understand what their relationship with each other is.

There are several potential morals of this story that jump out to me:

1. If you want to be an award-winning famous movie star, don't overthink your lines.  Just say them, even if they don't make any sense.

 

2. You should always research the origin of quotes before posting them (something no one on Facebook appears ever to do).  I can't find any mention of this particular quote on the internet, which certainly doesn't mean he didn't say it, but what I do find mention of on the internet are alternate versions of this quote by McConaughey that make some sense, including "I want to be able to hang my hat on the humanity of the character every day" and "I'm hanging my hat on reality and humanity, not morality."

 

3. Learn your lines verbatim!!!!  Also at the SAG-AFTRA offices, I listened to two older actors who have been working regularly for decades discuss how disappointing it is that young actors these days paraphrase everything and are allowed to get away with it, and how that changes the rhythm and music of the dialogue and isn't fair to the writers (I agree with this wholeheartedly).  So, assuming he has in fact said all three versions of this quote and tries to use it as a stock line in interviews, I'm going to assume this quote is hanging in the offices as a prime example of what happens when you try to get by with paraphrasing and it goes horribly wrong....  In fact, I'm going to leave you with this attempt by McConaughey at the same quote after he apparently ran it through a chopper, a dryer, a blender, a dicer, a car wash, and a junkyard compactor and the poor hat doesn't even get to hang on anything at all:  "What I was really looking for is some things where I could hang my hat and be the architect of my man, and it's based on humanity and reality."