Theatre gone wrong

Tonight I saw the most mind-numbingly boring, pointless, poorly directed play I have ever seen and the second show I've ever walked out of at intermission.  Most of the blocking was two characters standing in a flat line talking with nothing happening physically except the actors occasionally turning out to mug at the audience like Mr. Roper on Three's Company (except not meant to be a specific gag like Mr Roper's bit, which I also hated, but at least it had a reason behind it).  That actually seemed like fitting blocking, though, since nothing happened in the dialogue either.  Nothing.  At one point an actor has the unfortunate task of turning out to the audience as her character asks, "Why are you all here?" during a scene that was particularly painful in its boredom.  What ran through my brain was "because I can't walk out until intermission!!!!" 

I don't envy her that line.  That's just cruel to give an actor that line in such a dull play.

A return question that popped into my head was "What did you all DO during rehearsal??"  Or more specifically, what did the DIRECTOR do?  I have the distinct feeling that for at least several long scenes, he said, "Hey, you stand here, and you stand here, and neither of you move, and say all your lines in the scene... Okay yeah, so I think we're ready to open."

I have to admit I was primed to be dubious of the direction by the pre-show music, which is usually used before a show to set a thematic tone, indicate the temporal setting, or just set a general vibe.  This pre-show playlist was the most random selection of songs I have heard used as pre-show.  I thought perhaps its relation to the play would become apparent once the play started.

It didn't.

Also, if you don't know how to end a scene, act, or play, and you're thinking, "Hmm, my actors are onstage and I want them to be offstage," the answer is not to randomly have the characters dance off stage in a bizarre moment that makes the audience wonder, "Is this in character?  Is this the actors as themselves?  Why are they dancing off stage?  Can they not do a blackout or fadeout?  Did the actors just get trapped onstage due to a stage manager mistake?  Is this really happening?  Did I fall asleep from boredom and I had the bad fortune to dream an even worse version of the play I'm at?  Will I ever wake up and be able to go home???"

Before the play, I was talking with someone about how we couldn't figure out from what we had read if this was a comedy or a drama.  I think now the reason for that is because it's neither.  The only real laugh came from a coincidentally topical joke that was neither written nor directed for a laugh and wouldn't have gotten one before last week, and no show this boring and unfunny can be considered a comedy.  However, the characters are all archetypes rather than real characters and they don't seem to feel or think like humans or make the audience care about them or what happens to them (DOES anything happen to them?  Do they make anything happen?  Doesn't seem like it to me), and since there IS no drama, I couldn't call it a drama either.

I recently witnessed an unfortunate audition where an actor had failed to prepare a monologue and in its stead just talked for a few minutes.  It was repetitive, lacked an arc, lacked conflict, and lacked a story.  Just like this play -- this professional, Off-Broadway play by a major playwright.

I don't get it.

But then, I also didn't get the art I passed on the way home with two fried eggs on a woman's boobs, so maybe it's me.