In which I'm definitely not writing about one specific person

I'm just thinking off the top of my head here.  It's not like this is inspired by a real person or anything.... Nope... Ok, glad we got that cleared up....

Do you have problems with people trying to be nice to you and include you in conversation?  Are you frustrated that they just don't seem to realize you're better than all of them and don't want to stoop to talking to them like you're just a commoner?  Are you looking for some surefire steps to establish your perceived superiority over your peers and coworkers?

 

Then I have just the list for you!  Here's my list of six no-fail steps to make everyone at work think you're a jerk:

1. Routinely stroll up to work late... with a coffee in hand... when you live just a few blocks away and most people (who arrived on time and have been waiting for your arrival) live around an hour away... without acknowledging that you're late.  This will set you up great to establish your jerkdom, but you've still got a lot of work ahead of you...

2. Don't say hello to anyone at work when they say hello to you.  Best not to acknowledge their presence at all.

3. Don't take your sunglasses off just because you're indoors.  Really, those fluorescent lights are bad for your retinas.  Protection, people.

 

4. Stroll when everyone else is hustling, and then criticize everyone else for not moving as slowly as you when you wind up significantly behind them.  Best to say something like "we really should move as a group, guys," condescendingly, with a pat on the shoulder to someone, when they were all moving as a group and you were 50 feet behind them -- because hustling is beneath you.  Remember that.  You stroll like you're on a catwalk, because you're just that fabulous.  You do not hustle.

 

5. Insist that you know best and everyone else is wrong -- when you're actually the one who is wrong and making stuff up just so that you can contradict someone.  Best to do this when you're discussing something that can easily be looked up on the internet in three seconds so everyone knows that you didn't actually know what the heck you were talking about when you were insisting you were right.  Don't worry, you're well on your way to jerkdom by now...  Just one more big step left...

 

6. Don't learn your coworkers' names.  Really, this should be the #1 rule.  Especially if it's someone you've worked with for over two years -- then you definitely don't want to learn their name.  If by chance you do know someone's name through uneffortful osmosis (it's not your fault, really!) and accidentally use it, it's okay, don't panic -- all is not lost yet.  Just randomly switch to calling them the wrong name halfway through the day and seal your reputation by introducing another coworker by just their first name to a class of little kids rather than Ms/Mr. [Last name]. (If you don't have a class of little kids at your disposal, just substitute a meeting of important clients and introduce someone by a nickname [preferably even one they don't use!] or stumble over their name in the introduction.)   This firmly establishes your lack of respect for other people and even ups the game by trying to spread your disrespect for them to others.

 

Congratulations!  Now you can settle into your seat with your shades pulled down, ensconced in your love for yourself, and rest assured no one else will embarrass you or intrude on your special self-adoration time by trying to talk with you or making any effort whatsoever to have anything to do with you socially -- the perfect way for you, yourself, and your mirror to have a great day!